I am sometimes cranky.
Ha! There, I said it! I have unkind thoughts and judgments. I take things personally, like when getting cut off in traffic or someone else getting something that I wanted. Maybe more damaging, I want those closest to me to be more like me sometimes, and get grumpy with them when they’re not. And I don’t know that those attitudes will ever fully be eradicated from my mind and behaviors, but I’m grateful to say, I can already see that they are lessening in frequency. I can feel the genX “people suck” mantra in the back of my skull, but its starting to slow and quiet. The calm settling in place of that angsty thrum feels glorious.
For me, being a yoga teacher can feel like there is a lot of pressure to be “peaceful,” “happy,” and “perfect” (as well as flexible, healthy, thin…). There’s a persona that can be expected, by ourselves and others. This is evidenced online by all the yogis in their hippie clothes or Lululemon gear taking selfies in various yoga poses on beaches, mountaintops, and busy urban sidewalks while Bob Marley is dubbed over our Buddha-like smiles. All that being said, it may not surprise you to know that I don’t feel much like a yoga teacher most of the time. The label or identity doesn’t feel like it fits me. I do feel like a regular person with past trauma and current issues, who practices yoga and absolutely loves sharing what I’m learning with others. Its where my struggles make sense and I have purpose – that is to grow myself and others – to evolve the species of man, if thats not too grandiose sounding.
Being “in the yoga world,” you hear lots of cliches and catch phrases over and over like, “love yourself,” “be the change,” and always with the positivity – so much so that there is now a term for it, “toxic positivity.” Putting on happiness and joy all the time can be poisonous when you don’t truly feel that way. As I said, I’m not always positive, no one I know is, but I do dearly want to grow. I want to see what it feels like for there to be love and understanding for others instead of hurt, criticism or bitterness. What I didn’t realize until I started to actually do it, was that it starts with being compassionate, or kinder, with myself. Self-compassion isn’t being easy on yourself and excusing unkind behavior, or stuffing negative feelings down. Its looking at yourself and knowing that you did the best you could with the cards that were dealt to you. Its looking back at your former self (your inner child) and loving them unconditionally because they deserved and needed it, then lovingly dragging them along with you into the future, intent on making them proud of who you are becoming. Self-compassion is laughing at yourself instead of stewing for hours after you say the wrong thing. Loving yourself is a balance of discipline as we move forward and forgiveness in those moments when we look back.
The practice is gradual, but intentional. Its consistently watching your thoughts and feelings and knowing that they are yours to shape or let them run amuck. Catching yourself again and again in mental constructs that are competitive just because you feel less-than. Falling back into old emotional and mental habits, then picking yourself up and trying again. I cannot tell you how long the journey takes as I’m certain it varies by individual, but I can definitely tell you from what I’ve seen so far that it is worth it!
I’m not intentionally losing my pride or ego, but I can feel them receding, now rendered less necessary. I have no idea how far along I am in this process, but I think I’m probably in the fragile first phases of practicing this self-love thing. However, I can already feel the warmth and fullness of the peace left in the wake of the diminishing harsh criticisms, confusion and irritation. I’m definitely more able now than ever to notice that something that would have previously bothered me now has been replaced by understanding the situation from both sides, of really being in someone else’s shoes. THEY are having a rough time and it has nothing to do with me. THEY are scared and pushing back against whoever they can because sometimes we do that when we don’t know we could do differently. Moreover, I have EMPATHY for their suffering. I’m no longer having to force myself to remember those things, now. These are just the thoughts and feelings that come up! This is important – I need to notice that too. The sweet sensation of progress.
That brings me to the last concept that I’ll mention for now, and that is that awareness is the key. Self-awareness is the first step, always. Yoga asks us again and again to sit with ourselves, to observe our whole selves, and our true nature will emerge. And our true nature is, well… Compassion.